Not for the Feint of Heart

Once upon a time, I inadvertently gave some people the impression that there was some noble cause element to our adopting from China. I had expressed exactly what happened- that a grief had been born out of the revelation of the plight of many Chinese women and my first-hand experiences there. Let me be crystal clear that sparing one Chinese girl that experience- especially the one that my beautiful daughter would have had having been institutionalized (orphanage) and deemed imperfect physically- was a side effect, a byproduct and nothing more. If philanthropy and noble causes were my intention, I simply cannot imagine this experience. I really don't know if I could make it if not for the fact that she's as much my child as the other three.

Parenting is the toughest thing I have ever done. Being father to Cassidy is the toughest of the tough. It's not that I struggle with making myself love her because I do. It's not that it just doesn't feel like I'd expect it to because I didn't know what to expect. It is that it's just so... "bizarre." I have never fancied that I would ever been equal to Shari in her eyes, but I never thought I would be reliving China experiences five months downstream. I never imagined that I would ever experience her crying for 20+ minutes straight again simply because I'm not Mommy. I never thought she would be able to so consistently flip the switch so completely and effortlessly in going from happy and inclusive to freaked out and completely exclusive. There have been times when her billboard-blatant ambivalence to me has crushed me more than anything any of my kids have ever done.

I've been reassured by many other people that they have experienced seasons of their biological children choosing the other parent over them and smarting from it. Well, I've never had that, ever. All of my kids, from day one, have been pretty content with me. I have always been able to comfort them. I have always been the destination. Enter Cassidy, aka Little Miss Ambivalence. When I leave the house, she waves and smiles. When Shari leaves the house, she sobs and wails to just short of losing her breath. Eventually she calms down. Things are usually okay when she calms down. Within the last three weeks, there was one incident where she cried for at least 75 out of 90 minutes. When she finally peeled herself away from the gate, we were fine; she was all smiles from then on.

It's been disconcerting. I've had all kinds of thoughts. Is it the prescription beta blocker she's on? Is my eldest child undermining me? Is it my work hours? Did she misconstrue my roughhousing with the boys as something sinister? Can I not raise my voice at all in her presence?? Do I need to double up on deodorant or use less?? No clue. I have no answers for why she seemed to have regressed so far. Shari was experiencing sensory overload, and Cassidy wasn't much better towards me than she was when we first got her. The only difference was that it was clear that she knows who I am. At least, that's what it felt like.

Well on Friday, I just couldn't hack the way things had been any longer. I decided I was going to tackle this issue- even if it would make it worse. I would rather be proactively wrong than passively so. As she tried to circumvent me to get to Mommy, I snatched her up and headed for the basement- just the two of us. As when we first got her, you would have thought it was a kidnapping based on her reaction. If I hadn't already seen it so many times before, I would say it was the hardest she's ever cried. She was red-faced with veins popping out everywhere and her mouth gaped wide. Her screams sounded so strained that I thought her vocal cords might spring from her body. When I tried to lure her over to the kitchen set she's liked to play with in the past, she just remained where she was, hopping around and spinning in wide-eyed circles. Then she charged into my arms but only because she wanted me to pick her up and take her back upstairs.

This went on for at least 30 minutes. As much as I would like to claim some credit in things getting better, it didn't happen until Jake and Kaitlyn came downstairs. It really didn't get better until Katie broke out a puzzle for Cassidy and her to play with. The tears stopped. The screaming stopped. The laughter started. She loved helping with the puzzle even though her only part was pushing pieces into place once we properly aligned them. She loved it.

Ever since then, she's been a different girl. She hasn't been as clingy to Shari. She has been warmer to me. She even rushed to me to give me a hug in the church hallways this morning. She then grabbed my finger to go on a walk with Mommy and her... even though I was at my security post at the time. (I obliged her.) Once home, she was back to wanting to be on my shoulders again, which she hadn't wanted for weeks. She was back to randomly wanting to sit on my lap... even though I didn't have food or drink to offer.

The difference is remarkable. The experience is crazy. I'll take my next round of beatings should they come.

I love my Cassidy Elizabeth through it all.